Kicking Cancer

Prevention Through Healthy Living

Archive for the category “Post Cycling Trip/ Chemotherapy”

28 Nov 2012
20 Comments

Good Luck for Now

The radiation phase of my treatment is now complete.  Yeah!!!  I have been celebrating for days.

My skin looks great despite some tanning with minor reddening in the boost area and a now brown “splotch” caused by my negligence in hiking all day without proper protection over a portion of the site.  Although I was not as disciplined as I could have been, I applied lanolin twice per day as per the suggestion of the radiation oncology staff at the Center.  I also used a burn cream that I got from Pine Street Clinic that they miraculously obtain from Chinese hospitals (apparently difficult to get).

Radiation Therapy was a positive experience and I absolutely loved my team led by Doctor Francine Halberg.  I cried in my car reading their well wishes on my diploma after my last visit to the Center.  The people are exceptional.  Kind, genuine, diligent, precise, and even fun are but a few words to describe my team.  It seems like ages ago when Dr. Halberg told me that she wished I could have been a fly on the wall during the afternoon planning session when my surgeon, Dr. Leah Kelley assisted in the planning in order to pinpoint the location in my arm  pit area where, despite her diligent scraping, there may have been some microscopic cancer cells remaining.  I think my favorite day was in preparation for the boost (the area that would receive extra radiation since microscopic disease may have remained), the team left me lying on the table with my arm above my head for so long that the only response I could muster (since I could not move a millimeter) was to start giggling uncontrollably.  I had to think about despicable things in order to stop myself from laughing.  What I loved about the day so much was getting to meet and witness in action some of the players in the “behind the scenes” planning and laying out of my plan.  They are a brilliant, focused, creative and “top in their field” bunch and all of their busy-ness and adjustments, surrounding my corpse pose and the monstrous machine, gave me confidence that I was in the best hands possible. So……

A Year in Review:

December 29, 2011:  Nicole discovers odd lump on her right breast.

March 20, 2012:  After misdiagnosis by primary care doctor and ultrasound radiologists’ interpretation, the tumor was finally classified as cancerous by Dr. Ellen Mahoney.  Late March and early April filled with phone calls, appointments, and diagnostic testing including mammogram, MRI and PET CT scan.

April 20, 2012:  With skillful mapping and meticulous mastering of scalpels and clamps, Dr. Leah Kelley of Marin Cancer Institute removed the insanely large (~5 inch diameter!) tumor.

May – September 2012:  Adjuvant chemotherapy program overseen by the experienced, wise and loving Doctor David Gullion.   4 cycles of Adriamycin and Cytoxin (every other week) followed by weekly administration of Taxol and Herceptin.  (Herceptin is through the clinical trial, and will continue every three weeks through July 2013).  Riding my bike 300 miles in six days to my first appointment was definitely a highlight of this whole experience.  I will never forget the doctors and gang from the Center that joined me for the final 50 miles from Bodega to Fairfax!

October 15-November:  Daily Radiation (Monday through Friday) administered by the dream team described above – 30 doses.

November 2012 – November 2017:  Hormone Therapy is an important part of my adjuvant treatments, and at five years is longest lasting of my treatment protocols.  Tamoxifen is the pill I will take daily (at least I can be home for this one!!) Tamoxifen is a drug that blocks estrogen from binding to breast cancer cells (not all tumors are driven by estrogen, but mine was ER+ which stands for estrogen receptor positive and it just means that the receptors are present on the surface of cancer cells).

Which brings me to today!  Feeling so grateful to all involved on my multidisciplinary medical team.  These doctors in addition to the other doctors at the Center (they work much of the time as a team with a “tumor board  conference” every Tuesday and in the hallways of the center) have left me feeling like I have done everything possible from a medical standpoint to remove and destroy the cancerous cells in my body.  Trust in this team  has never once wavered and has made all of the difference in my attitude and positivity all the while.

And in an effort to not be on the computer all day, in a future post I will write about all of the OTHER things and people I am grateful for, namely my supportive husband, kids, extended family, so many friends, a broad community, including the Breast Health Project, my chinese medicine practitioners and teachers, and qi gong.

I will spend today enjoying the beautiful and bountiful rainfall, organizing my stuff, packing, and cooking a big celebration meal (Indian food I think!).  Tonight I see Tosca (SF Opera) with my sister and tomorrow morning early I will brave the storm, driving home to my beloved family in time for Nutcracker rehearsal and cookie baking.  Not to sound cliché, but LIFE IS GOOD (for me, right now).  There has been so much suffering in my community as of late and it reminds me that suffering is universal and also a part of this thing we call life —these instances can’t really be compared, they all suck (for lack of trying for a better word).  Cancer, severe injury, disability, depression, unfathomable loss, and even more global issues and concerns like famine, habitat loss, war, the list goes on.

For some reason it reminds me of the Good Luck Bad Luck story that I love so I will post it here.

I wish all of you good luck and many blessings today!

Good Luck Bad Luck!

There is a Chinese story of a farmer who used an old horse to till his fields. One day, the horse escaped into the hills and when the farmer’s neighbors sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?” A week later, the horse returned with a herd of horses from the hills and this time the neighbors congratulated the farmer on his good luck. His reply was, “Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?”

Then, when the farmer’s son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this very bad luck. Not the farmer, whose only reaction was, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer’s son with his broken leg, they let him off. Now was that good luck or bad luck?

Who knows?

Author Unknown

 

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Posted in Post Cycling Trip/ Chemotherapy, Six Weeks of Radiation and tagged , , , , , ,
01 Oct 2012
9 Comments

In Order to Live Well Today

It’s hard to believe I just finished chemotherapy infusion number 15.  One to go.

Today I returned home from chemotherapy in Marin to my daughter telling me that they lit a peace candle at school for three women and a dog who were hit by a car while on an early morning run.  Later that day I found out that I know one of the women…a vibrant, wonderful woman, a mother, and Montessori school teacher in our community.  She suffered major injuries and is in the hospital along with another of the women.  Sadly, the third woman, a mother of two, a wife, and a lecturer at Humboldt State University was killed.  So tragic that I can’t quite wrap my brain around it.

Since my diagnosis in March, I have been majorly wrapped up (mind, body, and spirit) in my cancer, a disease that is potentially life threatening.  While I try to keep it at bay, I sometimes have the thought that someday the disease could take my life, but for now I am fortunate to be alive, having the gift and honor of being a mom each day and night, even if I am in Marin, saying goodnight to my husband and kids on speaker phone.  Being a mom is clearly the most important part of me, and from what I have heard about the woman who was killed in this tragedy…it was the most important part of her.  Emotions surrounding my cancer have taken second fiddle.  I hear she was the most dedicated and loving of moms and the nicest woman around.  I am so sad for the loss that her family is suffering.  My heart aches and I am reminded to live and love each and every day as if it could be my last.

I watched a video few nights back on curing cancer naturally.   One sentiment that stands out to me from the movie is the following:  Whatever you are doing for your healing (yoga, diet, qi gong, acupuncture, herbs, homeopathic medicine, exercise, prayer, etc)… Don’t do it in order to “not die”…..do it in order to live well today.

I was happy to come across this because lately when I perform my healing regimens in order to “not die” or to “fight for life” it feels desperate or manic a bit.  With an underlying fear to boot.

So, now I come at my healing regimen with more peace and calm.

As the summer wraps up, I certainly have been busy living well each day and feel so blessed and fortunate.

I hope you are living well each day too–with all of the crazy and wonderful things life throws your way.

Epic Mount Tam hike with friends (Phoenix Lake to Stinson Beach).

“Forging” the South Fork of the Smith with Taylor. Her first river crossing!

Posted in Musings, Post Cycling Trip/ Chemotherapy
06 Sep 2012
13 Comments

Stage III Breast Cancer Thriver

A few musings (could be considered rants) regarding lowering cancer risk….not very well written or edited I might add (it takes too long to edit..some entries take me three hours to write, which I do not have tonight!).  Not to scare you away, I know you are busy!  You may find some good info here.

Stage III Breast Cancer Thriver, Nicole Nada. Today.

First of all, the cancer and food thing.  One study said that the survivors were the ones that ate tomato sauce every day, but a book says, definitely don’t eat tomatoes if you have cancer.  Nothing smoked (there goes my smoked salmon!), btw some “experts” say NO (some say limited) animal protein (more studies say eat lots of protein, but don’t eat beans, but DO eat more fiber)…not much else except nuts (make sure they are not roasted–cancer causing). Definitely no dairy (except a small amount of yogurt), unless you are on the Budwig diet which says definitely cottage cheese four times per day with flax oil.  I read something somewhere that said don’t eat avocado….avocado!  What could be wrong with avocado?  A bunch of sources say avocado lowers your risk for cancer, maybe even CURES cancer, but then I find that avocado is not recommended for breast cancer.  The list goes on and on.  What you can eat to lower your risk, may not be the same as what you eat to make it go away, and what you need to eat to support your body while on chemotherapy is not necessarily what you want to eat to lower your risk…..hmmm. Some people say no carbohydrates the day before, of, and after chemotherapy–it lowers efficacy, others say high carbohydrate load the day before chemo.  I know one woman who fasts that day because she heard THAT was the secret!

So many dilemmas.  Enough to drive one crazy, but I try to just trust my gut (literally) and I eat very healthy. Basic rule….TONS of veggies, especially broccoli, cauliflower, leafy greens such as mustard, kale dandelion, leeks, onions, garlic.  Turmeric, ginger, and cinnamon are great spices which I add where I can.  I make congees in a crock pot (very cooked rice=easily assimilated and digested) with anything added.  I suppose the trick for me is that I was excited about and following the Paleo diet before my cancer diagnosis, so I still have a lot of those beliefs which eliminate grains and beans.  I have added those back in (mostly in congee form) because if I am limiting animal protein I need to get protein somewhere!  I do a bit of salmon, eggs, chicken and bone broth.  All high quality obviously…you are what you eat is very important, particularly when one has cancer!  I still juice with things like greens, apples, carrots, beets, lemon, and ginger (important to add for warming at least for my constitution).  I am not saying everyone should, but I have completely eliminated processed foods and sugar, bread, dairy, and pasta.  Maybe just limiting these for you and your family is all you need to do. My family still eats pancakes, french toast, cheese, pasta, etc. It would be nearly impossible to get my kids to eat like I do now, so I am taking small steps.  I buy them less crackers for instance and make homemade popsicles from fresh fruit, among other things.   Half to three-quarters of your plate should be vegetables (don’t forget veggies at breakfast!) and the place that remains can be your protein or carb.  Yesterday was my 42nd birthday!  My first birthday ever with no cake, but I did not mourn the loss, it was better for my whole family and we found other ways to celebrate.  The three of them actually split a piece of cheesecake at our favorite japanese restaurant in Eureka, Kyoto.

I also just brought a sprouting kit and am about to launch into that so you will hear more about sprouting in future blogs.  I met with a  nutritionist at the Marin Cancer Institute, Sharon Meyer, a few weeks back and she is a wealth of information.  Click on her name for a brief synopsis of her take on cancer and nutrition.  That woman needs to write a book!  She taught me about sprouting.  It is the absolute best form to get the nutrients from these brassica family vegetables.

From what I have learned that makes sense the goal is to reduce inflammation, and the above diet should do that.  I tell you all of this information so that YOU CAN LOWER YOUR RISK OF GETTING CANCER!!!

In addition to diet, regular exercise is key in reducing your risk (or in my case recurrence/metastasis risk).  But, apparently running is not such a grand idea for me according to my TCM (traditional chinese medicine) doctors.  From a TCM view, running is apparently draining and not replenishing, particularly in women over forty and even more particularly in someone with cancer going through chemotherapy and radiation which are really taking a toll on my organs and life force even if I don’t know it.  I was excited about the half marathon in October and the full marathon in June next year, but I am needing to hang up my running shoes and grab my bicycle shoes and hiking boots.  Things are always changing around here, but it is important for me to be in harmony with my healing process, and I am listening to people that I really trust, so that keeps me in harmony.  My medical doctor, oncologist David Gullion is in concurrence–hang up the running shoes.  I know that all you runners would love to tell me that you do get replenished from running–I know the feeling!  It is a wonderful high.  I hate that I have this new knowledge. It does, however, make sense for me right now going through such harsh treatments.  I sort of knew that intuitively, but was waiting  to see how it panned out…I had a feeling that either I would hit a wall with my energy or one of my docs would shun the idea.  Maybe next year!

Obviously having a healthy emotional life is key in reducing risk form cancer and other illness.  There is much to say here, but I am getting ready to go to sleep.  Perhaps more later on this too.  I will say that while no one knows exactly why each person develops cancer, there are some things that may point toward contributing factors.  I believe that it is definitely a combination of factors.  One thing might cause a little energy block (say an emotional situation/crisis or an environmental factor) and then things like diet or lack of exercise/movement/deep breathing/rest may take it to the next level.  Once the cancer cells form a little mass, they eventually hijack your system and get blood supply to grow…things can get really out of hand.  I do not believe we have complete control of not getting cancer, or even knowing exactly why it is caused and that is precisely why living a very healthy lifestyle is so key in reducing your risk.  Also, being very healthy going into cancer helps so if you have been taking care of your system (your body is a temple) and not trashing your liver with too much sugar or alcohol or lungs with smoke (for instance) then you will be able to heal more effectively AND it will be easier to jump into good habits.

There is so much to say about where I am at on the emotional front.  It is complex.  Sometimes it is paralyzing to even think of writing a blog entry because I have so much new information every day. In addition to the wealth of information I get from my medical doctors and TCM doctors, I have also met with energy workers and most recently a woman named Jaqueline Chan who does such interesting work I cannot even explain it (click her name for her interesting bio).  Her focus is Orthomolecular Medicine which is basically preventing and healing disease using nutrition, amino acids, etc.  but she does much more than that.  I may go into more detail in another blog entry.  Her work is truly fascinating.  I found out about her from my dentist Dr. Brian Smith who is also very cutting edge.  My first appointment with her last week she did a lot of energy work and ran blood tests and I got the results yesterday.  I have now added a bunch of homeopathics to my healing regimen as a result some of the tests she performed.  This is exciting!  I love homeopathy, and while I have been considering Iscador, a homeopathic remedy popular for cancer patients in Europe (apparently improves survivorship, and quality of life on chemotherapy and radiation–I am faring well on quality of life, but was going for survivorship–anything that will add years, right??)  Iscador has been in my thoughts and I have followed a few paths toward that route, but my very open-minded doctor wanted to see some scientific studies (makes sense) so it slowed down a bit. He was game, but did not want me to be spending the money, etc if it was something that might not really add to what I am already doing which is chinese herbs/qi gong/acupuncture which I am a huge believer in too.  So…..at any rate, some homeopathics have been added which will help clear liver, lungs, etc. from toxins resulting from chemotherapy.

OK, how was that for musings from a cancer patient?  By the way…I believe my cancer is GONE!  I am just going through the motions now to finish her off, clear out all the dead cells, and radiate the last of some weak cells left behind at the site. So I am herby officially a cancer SURVIVOR, and not only that but a THRIVER!

Lots of love, thanks for reading. Nicole

Posted in Musings, Post Cycling Trip/ Chemotherapy
28 Aug 2012
8 Comments

Still Kicking Cancer

Tomorrow morning I am flying to San Francisco and taking an Airporter to chemotherapy for the second time since being home in Arcata. I much prefer the time I rode my bike, but these are different times! I am flying with a buddy pass from a friend so it only costs me $100 round trip which is cheaper than driving.

It is great to be home!  It felt good to arrive home and be really happy about where I live, my house, my husband.  Yeah, right livelihood!  As good as it feels to be home, with school about to start up, lately my thoughts have been drifting toward the fabulous summer I had with my kids in Marin. It was so relaxing and fun, despite the weekly chemotherapy. Here are a few favorite summer photos.

G and I. Afternoon family picnic at Blackie’s Pasture, Tiburon.

Visiting friends at Shell beach on Tomales Bay

Traditional “air” ice cream from Park Side at Stinson Beach (not as good as daddy’s or Uncle Ray’s)

Surfer girl with “Velvy” (We never leave home without it).’

With Saremy at Sycamore Pool (One Mile), Bidwell Park, Chico

With their buddy, Cricket (and of course, Velvey)

Summer fun in Chico City Plaza

On the cancer front…..

Mad River Brewing Company Tasting Room raised over $300 last week with an auction for my Kicking Cancer Fund (soon to be started at Humboldt Area Foundation).  THANK YOU, MRBC, Julie, and everyone who went and supported this.  With Simply Mac’s $500+, and a good friend’s $500 (thanks JR :) ), the fund will be started with a little over $1300.  More info on how to donate to that fund once it is up and running.  The fund will be available to people in financial need and undergoing chemotherapy and radiation who wish to do yoga, qigong, acupuncture, guided imagery, therapy, or jin shin jyutsu.

I changed the title of this website (but not the url).  This is more about KICKING (or preventing) CANCER collectively than it is about me and my cancer.  So with this blog, I hope to share information toward that end.  My children are starting school next week and I will actually have a few mornings per week to devote to working at the Scoop (I am the very behind bookkeeper), getting exercise, and taking care of myself in other ways…baths, naps, qigong to be exact. I met with an organizer (Barbara Browning of Order Within) the other day to help me figure out my priorities and she got everything on paper–goals, different things that need doing–ACTION ITEMS!  As a result, I have been crossing things off the list today that will make my life smoother, more efficient, and relaxing (or at least more so).  So, maybe I will find time to blog a bit more.

I am currently doing great.  Perhaps a little fatigued.  My finger nails have seen better days, but it seems my hair may be growing back in, but I seem to be losing my eyebrows.   I have been reading  much lately about how chemotherapy and radiation are the true killers with cancer and that if I would just eat cottage cheese and flax seed oil, or drink lemon water every morning, etc. I could kick my cancer more effectively!  I must tell you that I do try these things.  I drink the lemon water, I started the cottage cheese/flax concoction three times per day and it feels great to be doing these things in addition, but I am still sticking with the western medicine on this too.  I know the drugs are brutal on the organs, but I can only hope I will endure it and be on the other side soon.  Then in 2013 I can begin to heal from the trauma of the chemotherapy and radiation.

I’ve been running quite a bit and am training for the Humboldt Redwoods half marathon on October 21st.  It is going well so far, but I will be in the middle of radiation at that point so we will see.  Today I ran three miles with my dog Honu at the Marsh. Tomorrow after chemo I hope to run with my sister at Pheonix Lake in Mount Tamalpias watershed.

Thanks for all your support!   Only six more chemotherapy infusions (herceptin and taxol) to go!!

Posted in Musings, Post Cycling Trip/ Chemotherapy and tagged , , ,
17 Aug 2012
15 Comments

My Energy

It has been a long time since I posted an update/hello.  This may be long as I have a lot to say and feel chatty.

I suppose I will start with the here and now.  I am here again in the infusion chair admiring Mount Tamalpais.  I will be here for three hours.  A massage therapist from down stairs offered me a foot massage and not really thinking I said no thanks.  Then, thinking, I called her back when I heard another not thinking person decline. “I changed my mind, ” I told her.  I should never turn down a foot massage!  It was a great way to kick off my infusion.

I am too young to have cancer.  Heck, everyone is too young to have cancer, but it makes a bit more sense if someone is much older.  Yet, there are other young people here too.  What is up with that?

I will tell you a bit about the past few days and that may give you a glimpse of how I am feeling, which is fantastic!  Lucky me.

I spent some time last week at the Bay Club Marin participating through Sunflower Wellness….which offers a program of  ”Living Through Cancer With Exercise”.  I took an awesome spin class/strength conditioning class with a woman named Amy, and another strength conditioning class with Regan Fedric who is the program director/co-founder/exercise counselor.  It was great to meet some of the participants after class, one of whom has been following my blog since the beginning which I always am flattered to hear.  There was a lot of camaraderie and fun as we did a unique/whirlwind class inspired that day by the olympics.  It felt great to get such a good work out, on an infusion day to boot!

Thursday good friends from Somes Bar , Chris and Tera and two Kids (3 and 1.5) came to town and I had so much energy I cooked up a bunch of veggies and seared tuna steaks on the grill for their arrival.  The visit Thursday through Sunday afternoon included swimming, a trip to Shell Beach on Tomales Bay where the four kids made a giant cake out of sea weed on the beach, and we hiked over the hill to the adjoining beach, ate oysters in Inverness, among a few other fun stops.

Sunday dear old (gold) friends, EB, Gray, Cassidy, and Stephanie from my days as a raft/cross-country ski guide days joined us for juicing and breakfast.  EB blew my mind by driving down from Davis (I thought she still lived in Berkeley when I invited her!).  So many memories flooding back of my early to mid-twenties.  A very magical time in my life and although it has been many years (why did it take me getting cancer to make this happen??) bonds with these people will never be broken.

Monday the kids and I took the ferry to San Francisco from Larkspur, lunched at the Ferry Building, caught a cable car, rode the muni and a bus, and walked to the  California Academy of Science and the Japanese Tea Garden.  We saw the penguins (including Pierre whom we adore–we have the book about him and his neoprene wetsuit), butterflies, and the aquarium.  The tea garden included some green tea drinking (me) and cookie eating (kids) and wandering over bridges and stone pathways.  It always feels good in there.  Then we did the same transportation back to Larkspur.  The goal of the day was something Taylor and I dreamed up….to take as many modes of transportation possible…..we walked, drove in a car, rode a ferry, a muni (that was our train), a bus, and walked.  We wanted to rent bikes in Golden Gate Park or ride the double-decker sight-seeing bus, but we ran out of day light.  The day was a blast.  Both kids loved it, but Asher missed much of the cable car and all of the muni because he fell asleep in my arms on the cable car.

Tuesday we spent the day body surfing (yes, body surfing….Taylor really took to it!) and boogy boarding at Stinson Beach, my childhood beach.  We ate dinner a the Parkside Cafe in the town of Stinson. I have many memories of  that town and beach.  More than I knew I held and they all came flooding back the moment I pulled into the parking lot.  Actually it started on the drive over Bolinas/Fairfax Road.  Like the time I had a College of Marin field trip to Point Reyes and I had the driver drop me off at the Olema Ridge trailhead and declared I was going to run back to Fairfax on the trails. I remember it so well.  Splashing water from a cow trough on my hot head, wearing my t-shirt on my head since I had no hat, some hikers loaning me a water bottle to drink from, walking up Cataract Falls, arriving in Fairfax after dark.  It was one of those things that at the time I was realizing I had planned poorly, but now looking back I am so glad I did it.   I love telling my kids those crazy stories.

Taylor and Mom pose at Stinson between sets

There are many childhood through college age memories here which is one of the reasons I love that I am healing in this place.  But, with that said, after being away from Arcata my home near Humboldt Bay and those gorgeous redwoods…..I am still missing things like my husband, garden, and dog as I have mentioned in previous posts, but a few nights back I got emotional over my dining table.  When I miss my dining table (and my family whole and around it) I suppose it is time to go home!

We leave tomorrow morning after my qigong appointment at Pine Street Clinic with Lindsey of Marin Acupuncture Clinic (Lindsey was a student of Suzanne Friedman as is my hometown qigong practitioner/healer Zena of Misty Mountain Healing Arts).  Lindsey has been great.  I have gotten so much out of our sessions and continue to be fascinated with the healing powers of qigong and the practitioners I have included on my healing team, Zena, Lindsey, Phil Madden (at Marin Cancer Institute), and Jessica Baker of Jade Dragon Medical Spa.

It has been a full week.  Which brings us to today,Wednesday.   This morning we did some back to school shopping for Taylor, stopped by the hospital for my lab work and now here I am in the chemotherapy infusion room.  Post-foot massage I am just typing away as I am sadly not in the middle of a good book.  I need a new one and the Danielle Steel (etc.) books available on the shelf in the infusion room are not looking so promising.  I just finished an excellent story, Molokai.  It is about a woman who was exiled there as a young girl (eight years old–so sad I could barely read it in the beginning!) with leprosy and is an incredible work of historical fiction.  What I loved most about the book besides just learning of that time and place in our history is the ability of the protagonist, as she ages, to embrace her life exiled with leprosy on Molokai without her family.  She really makes the most out of it by surfing, her relationships with the other girls and the sisters who care for them, among an uncle and his girlfriend, her dad who visits when he can, and others.  There is a lot I could talk about, but I will leave it at that.  I feel chatty today (the steroids?)…..At any rate, if you are looking for a good read I recommend it.

Tonight after my infusion I pick up Taylor for a date…..we are heading to the Berkeley Playhouse for their production of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  I am super excited about this as Taylor and I both love live theatre.  Signing off….time to get out of here in order to swoop by my sister’s, give Asher a big fat kiss, pick up Taylor and drive (in traffic, likely) to Berkeley for this musical performance.

Hello again.  It is now Thursday evening.  Willy Wonka was fabulous.  Taylor was a super star staying awake until the end at ten o’clock!  It was a really great production in the adorable Berkeley Playhouse.

I went on and on about all the great energy I possess.  I mostly am posting about it in order to explain my dilemma and a bit of what I understand about chinese medicine which is not a lot.  So I have all this energy and I am using it up!  Apparently my lung pulses are awesome and this is the energy I am feeding off, but when I see Lindsey she tells me my kidney pulse is weak and that I could take better care of myself by heeding this and  for instance “maybe make a two course meal, instead of five”.  It is a good reminder to CONSERVE some of my energy and do quiet things like take a luxurious long and quiet bath.  Zena often tells me this too.  It is my nature to DO an it is not such a bad thing, but I want to learn to strike a better balance and do more quiet and nurturing activities as well.  Those are the activities that are more difficult with kids, BUT I also want to model for them for their own futures, and I think I can make some more quiet time work in our daily routines. Once we are back into routines that is.  It has been a fun, pretty routine-less, summer.    Cooking, gardening, visiting with friends, going to the beach, hiking in the woods…these things all feed my soul so I justify it that way, but there must be a way to balance it all out.  Lindsey reminds me to check in with my kidneys each day and see what they want to do.  I know it may sound funny to some, but I find it wise counsel and plan to slow things down a bit.  One of the reasons it has been a busy few weeks is that the end of out month and a half vacation just snuck up on me.  We have been doing so much just hanging out and I realized we had not even had our “city day” or our Stinson days….then I had to pack it all in.  I never did my hike all day on Tam day either, but I will soon….and my kidneys will love it because I will be quiet and near water which are both good for the kidneys!

As far as my cancer goes…..a  few days back I had a sore rib cage so of course was convinced for a short while that my cancer had spread to my liver.  This is the difficult part of my cancer being Stage III.  It is so close to the very scary Stage IV.  All I can do is keep on keeping on.  My diet is the best thing I have going–lots of brassica family veggies, leeks, onions, garlic.  When I cook I really see and feel it as my medicine and is such a beautiful thing to be cooking up my colorful, and delicious medicine.  I normally do not eat after seven, but on my chemotherapy day I did not eat as I had intended because after back to school shopping I found myself at a restaurant with my kids that there was nothing on the menu I could live with (they had grilled cheese and clam chowder in a bread bowl at Boudin). So after Willy Wonka at eleven o’clock at night I whipped up a fabulous shallots, garlic, eggplant, green bean, red pepper, scrambled egg (protein important on chemo day) dish.  Topped off with hot sauce from Sol Food (my favorite Marin restaurant…Puerto Rican and all local, organic goods) and ate it at nearly midnight.  My guess is that late night healthy food is better than no food after having been pumped full of chemotherapy meds.   My diet is great, but my chemotherapy drugs are insurance as well and radiation will follow that up nicely.  I do need to get some fresh turmeric.  I love the Good Earth my store down here, but I have not found it there.   I hear they have it at Whole Foods, but I don’t like to shop at Whole Foods.  The Coop at home has it frequently. It is over by the ginger.  Grab some if you are local. It is so good for you….super cancer fighting.  And it is delicious.

In addition to chemo, my veggie/fruit/protein diet I still take my Brian La Forgia/KW Botanicals herbs, although not as often as I should…some days I just forget.  I still take my mushroom tincture from Jade Dragon, a few New Chapter immune support pills, and a great new herb concoction my sister got me in Nevada City.  All of these things seem to be helping to give me all of this incredible energy I posses!  I feel so great!!  Life is good!  May it be good and long!!  I had my doc look at my liver and the thinks it is just superficial/muscle pull or something……maybe from the body surfing???

Lastly, I got my breast prostheses.   I think the funniest thing that has happened surrounding that is Asher saying “Mommy, show them your fake boob!”  Fortunately it has only been to close relatives so far.  He had us all laughing pretty good.  My kids call it my fake boob, but for some reason when I am looking for it I call it my $300 boob (even though hopefully insurance is paying for it).  (Writing this, I am realizing what a silly word boob is.  I wonder where it came from?)  So, now when I want to use it I just slide it into a pocket in my new mastectomy bras.  The best part of this whole deal?  That I get up to four bras per year paid for by my insurance company.  Can you believe it?  (Always looking for the silver lining).  Although this will likely be the only year I will ever meet my crazy deductible.

If you are in Marin and want one, A Lady’s Touch is the place.  It is on D Street in San Rafael by appointment.  A super nice lady owns the shop and she happens to have a daughter living in Arcata that supports the Arcata Scoop.  It is nice to support a family that supports my family so I happily pay for my $300 fake boob (if insurance does not, TBD).

I want to mention my Pedaling Each Day venture…I could not pull it off in Marin.  In the beginning I had no trailer, no night lights, no time or ability really with the kids.  I kept thinking it would work it’s way back into my life, but even after getting the trailer down here it never did.  It may resume once I am back in Arcata.  Part of what struck me was the fact that I want to do more and I want to do different.  I want to go for a few long rides per week rather than at least one mile per day every single day.  Some days I want my free time for a hike, to walk the dogs I am sitting for, to attend a yoga class.  So things have shifted and I am good with that as long as I am getting exercise. I will continue to follow my heart and do what feels right on this journey.  I have a few people donating their miles to me which I think is really cool.  And I have been on a few long rides that have likely made up the mile per day this past month and a half too.

Heading to Chico to visit friends tomorrow after qigong.  Then home to Arcata on Sunday!  Looking forward to traveling the winding Trinity River home to Arcata.  I have missed home!

Many blessings to all of you reading this.  Thanks for following my story and for all of the support.

A new article written by Renee Goddard just came out in the Marin County Bicycle Coalition’s summer edition of their e newsletter Pedal Press.  Click here to check it out.   Under Table of Contents….Nicole Nada’s Journey.  There are a lot of other interesting articles in the newsletter too. By the way, the author of this piece, along with my twin sister, met me about half way down my final descent, White’s Hill into Fairfax with a giant hand painted cardboard sign that said “You are Our Hero”.  I have it hanging in my bedroom it meant so much to me.

Posted in Musings, Post Cycling Trip/ Chemotherapy and tagged , , , , , , ,
21 Jul 2012
9 Comments

First Taxol and Herceptin

I recently had shaved the remaining hairs on my plucked chicken head.  I wonder if some keep the vigilant hairs because it is all they have left (in the way of hair) or if everyone prefers smooth and bald as an alternative.  I am comfortable sporting  my bald head everywhere, but am really comfortable with it sitting in this infusion chair.

My kids did not react much when my hair fell out or when I had the “hold outs” shaved off by Molly at an adorable little salon near my sister’s house, Petite Mollier.  Molly used a ceramic tip, taking extra care not to nick/cut my head.

A few days later we took curly headed Asher to Mike the Barber in Fairfax.  It was his first big boy haircut at a barber.  To be honest, I was surprised at how much Mike was cutting after I had told him to just get it out of his eyes.  I looked at Asher sitting so tall, perched on that board for little kids spanning the arms of the barber chair.  With a big black drape around him, he was so proud to be getting a haircut like his older cousin Max, his Uncle Ray, his daddy.  Almost immediately I let go of my baby boy as a baby, and while I was mourning those curls dropping to the floor I was also thinking about how light Asher was going to feel in this hot summer sun, playing, and in the pool.  He, I am certain, never knew he could feel so good, as he only knew the feeling of that full head of hair, often poking him the eyes as of late.  I spent the remainder of the appointment comforting Taylor who was distraught over what was happening to her little brother.  ”Mom, make him stop.  That’s my brother”.  Taylor has trouble with change, and a few of us wonder if she had been holding in her emotions surrounding my hair loss, and then let  it pour watching her brother lose much of his.  Who knows, but  last night she very clearly stated that she hated that I am bald.  So, we are all doing our best to get through this, and in the end we will all be stronger.

A friend asked if I was having fun at least and I must say that for the most part I am.   Parenting my six year old is more challenging that the cancer right now.  It is the thing that I worry about at night.   Being six is tough and being six while mom has cancer, displaced from home, is even tougher.   We will get through that in one piece too.

The kids and I are staying in three different homes during our stint in Marin.  They are all lovely in different ways.  The first week was at a home where three children live. There were books, bath tub toys, lovely cooking pots and pans, a great garden, and a swimming pool!  My family swam almost daily. It was a great way to wind down the day, and both of my children have improved their water/swimming skills.

The home we are enjoying now has childrens books, lovely playrooms, beautiful wooden toys, a giant sand box, a swing set, a great kitchen, a hamster named Munchi, and a dog named Morzsi whom I love.  The next house has a beautiful garden, two dogs and a swimming pool too!

Which brings me to the point of this post.  All the kindness in the world.  Sharing your home in such a way to a family in need seems to me an ultimate act of selflessness and generosity.  A home is such a private place with all of a family’s beloved possessions.  To open that space up completely to another family is a great act of kindness.  Our family is honored.

Mount Tamalpais has been calling my name since my arrival.  Do other people in Marin note when they catch a glimpse from various towns, peeking between oak leaves in the least suspecting neighborhood?  There are so many places from which to view the “Sleeping Lady” and my kids I am sure will always remember mom saying “There is Mount Tam”.  I have been doing it for years, but now that we are living here for the summer he frequency is upped.  I can usually see the top from my chair in chemotherapy, but today it is covered in fog.

I enjoyed Beatles Night in San Anselmo Creekside Park a few nights back and was appreciative of the people who said hello because they recognized me from this blog.  I am always most appreciative of the survivors for letting me know they there been through it.   It always takes me to a higher place.  I will be one of those people soon.

I am on antibiotics for the third time since this started.  This time for a mysterious hard spot on my left calf…..an infection of some sort or an issue with the vein?    It seems to be clearing up.  I appreciate the concern and immediate attention the Marin Cancer Institute provides regarding every little thing that turns up.  In Eureka they were just as diligent when I needed antibiotics due to a wasp sting.

I am in the infusion chair right now getting the first of twelve weekly taxol and herceptin  treatments.  It takes about four hours.  Last week I had an echocardiogram to check the status of my heart and it looks great so was able to stay on schedule with my medicine.  Sunday labs showed that my platelets are a little low, but not too low.  Just finished taxol and am about to switch over to the bag of herceptin…..the drug I am lucky enough to receive due to the clinical trial I am part of.  I cried this morning on the drive here.  Missing driving Taylor to her first day of a yoga and art camp.  Aunt Melinda will have the honor.

I went to a gigong class at Gathering Thyme last week, and had acupuncture with Phil Madden at the Center who also does gigong in his practice.  Phil is amazing with his healing abilities.

The Benadryl is making me sleepy.  I must sign off.  More about taxol and herceptin and other things later.  XO.

Posted in Post Cycling Trip/ Chemotherapy
03 Jul 2012
10 Comments

Live From the Couch….Post Chemo #4

Instead of typing I figured I’d just chill on the couch and talk…..if you are so inclined to listen, here is a video.  It somehow got to be 10 minutes?  What in the world was I talking about?  I did it right after chemo so I am afraid I was a little spacey (crazy drugs!) and chatty…(maybe the steroids)?

At one point I talk about benefits of Qigong and Jin Shin Jyutsu and I refer to all of my internal organs that have been worked on…I say liver twice, but I wanted to include heart.  For some reason the chemotherapy medicine produces a lot of  heat in my heart.  So….it needs to be removed somehow….I choose the route of Chinese Medicine!  I also say in the video that everyone should do it!  I think I go so far as to say it should be a law!!  What nerve!  Of course, I know everyone has their own style and it is not for all, so I am not sure why I said that.  To each their own!!  I do not intend to sound self righteous or that I have the best and only solutions!

I am, however, starting a  fund at Humboldt Area Foundation (HAF) that will provide scholarships for women and men with breast cancer undergoing chemo and radiation to partake in several modalities…yoga, qigong, acupuncture, therapy…more info on that coming soon.  The $577 dollars raised by the Simply Mac ipad Touch Raffle (did you know it was their employee Beth that set that up???) is the start up money.  I will kick into gear with more fundraising here soon.  The winner was Tony Luchessi.  Know him?  He now has an ipad Touch.  Thanks everyone for the donations through the raffle!   Thanks also to generous donations from two local companies, Chicken Boots (amazing knitting accessories among other notions) and Macs in the Mist (Mac repair and service).

OK, with that said….here is that video.

And here is my cartoon panel….rated PG.  And not really funny (well, maybe the drawings are….)

And here is my altar.  I decided it needs to be in the kitchen instead of a secluded nook in my bedroom. The Kitchen is where I spend much of my time.

Today’s cancer healing plan…..I’m off to acupuncture with Phil and my last neulasta shot (white blood cell booster)  at Marin Cancer Institute.

Today’s rest of life plan…..playing with my kids, maybe hangin’ with my sis, niece and nephew, and a short ride for Pedaling Each Day….I need a trailer and a tag along bike while I’m in Marin.  Anyone in Marin know where I can find one used?  I will check Craig’s List.

XO

Posted in Fundraising, Musings, Post Cycling Trip/ Chemotherapy and tagged , , , , ,
02 Jul 2012
9 Comments

So Ends a Fabulous Week

I am due for chemotherapy tomorrow morning at nine o’clock so figured I’d get a post in while I am feeling chipper!

This past week has been fantastic.  The “up” week or “off” week, as I have come to call it.  I have been receiving chemotherapy infusions of adriamycin and cytoxin every other Monday since May 21st.   Tomorrow will be my fourth and final infusion of that particular “cocktail”(then twelve of taxol/herceptin, weekly starting on July 16).   The week where I do not recieve an infusion I have felt completely fine.  Cancer, what cancer?  The week “on”  is another story….a bit of nausea, a bit of fatigue, and just not feeling myself.  Not too bad, but bad enough.

A lot of people have been asking…did Taylor get to celebrate her sixth birthday party?  Yes, she did!  We were all feeling well enough just in the nick of time.  Phew.  Special thanks to my friend Carla who helped by picking up the balloons, hand rolling sushi, and washing lots of dishes so we  could come home to a clean house.    The party was fun and manageable.  Small.  The first year where we did not invite the world, but instead let Taylor pick a handful of friends.  We roller skated to a mix that Taylor and her daddy made.  Special songs from over the years.  Everything went smooth until right after the birthday song when I could not find the cupcakes, the knife, the ice cream scooper or Garrett (he had gone to retrieve the cupcakes from the car!) The kids want their cake after the birthday song…..it is just the way it is.  Everything was found, cake devoured, and peace and order resumed.  Also special thanks to all the thoughtful and efficient parents who helped clean up–the roller skating rink gives you about twenty minutes to clean the party room and get out of there – no small feat.  It definitely takes community.

Birthday Girl

Presents!

Pedaling Each Day the past week and a half was mostly uneventful.  Mostly early evening rides.  The days I am a bit off I like to ride solo to not have the extra weight.  The week I felt good I mostly took a kid or two.  Two of the evenings Taylor scootered along on her brand new birthday scooter while Asher rode in the trailer!  Those nights were extra special, as I am so proud of my big girl. One funny night I turned around and saw that Asher fell asleep in the trailer. I was so happy because he had been a tired boy.  But, ten minutes later I hear, “Hey mommy!  I am in water!”  He had fallen asleep with his open water bottle that poured a swimming pool into his seat.  We rode home with a completely naked Asher sitting on top of a big fleece blankie, as his pants and undies, shirt and slippers had become soaked.  And now, of course, he was wide awake.

On our way south to Marin Friday and on Taylor’s actual birthday, we hit the Kate Wolf Music Festival.  Garrett and his brother, Eric (flew up from Laguna) joined us for Friday night camping and Saturday, and my sister, Melinda and my niece Samantha joined us for Saturday music and fun.  The festival is a tribute to Kate Wolf and is intimate as far as festivals go…..about 4000 people in an oak woodland setting of Laytonville. CA.  I absolutely fell in love with the style, stories, and music of  Rita Hosking while sitting on a hay bale under the oaks with my kids late afternoon Friday.  Other favorites included Tim and Nicki Bluhm and Blushin Roulettes.  The line up was great, but with small kids at the festival I did not get to catch everything.  We spent some time in the family camp, kids play zone, doing crafts, and down at the river a bit.

Some of the “rules” for chemotherapy…..stay away from sick people and don’t hang out with large crowds.  Some may frown about my festival going, but the open air festival atmosphere makes it easy to take precautions.  A lot of hand washing and keeping to myself.  No partying of course, just drinking a lot of water, lazing about in the shade in my festival chair and groovin’ to the tunes.  I had a lot of help with the kids so didn’t wipe myself out.  It was great to see so many friends and Arcatans who were happy to see me out and about, feeling healthy and enjoying the good vibes.

With cousin Samantha enjoying the festival

Sisters

Brothers

Too much hoopin’

Most importantly it feeds the soul just like my daily bicycle riding!  I think soul feeding is another chemotherapy rule, and if it is not, then it should be.

Now we are in Marin at our fabulous house sitting situation.  Highlight of the day?  ”Rafting” in the swimming pool, riding bikes and scooters around the patio, and playing with other kids’ super fun bath toys.

First dinner in our ‘home away from home’

Signing off before chemo number four…..I’ll post when I am up for it!  Thanks for reading, and all your love and support.

Posted in Musings, Pedaling Each Day, Post Cycling Trip/ Chemotherapy
23 Jun 2012
26 Comments

Cancer Patient

I never thought I’d do this on my blog, but here is Pollyana in the dumps….

I feel like a cancer patient.  I suppose I am and have been since March, but now I really feel like it and look the part.

Asher and I just before going for a bicycle ride

I have no intention of quitting chemotherapy, but I can see why people decide to and I barely have horrible side effects.  The cancer does not make me sick right now, it is the medicine making me sick…..and some people become willing to take the chance with the cancer.  Well, not I.  I will endure, but it is a big pain (I am grateful at the same time!)   I have minimal fatigue, no mouth sores, very little and quite manageable nausea , no skin issues.  Yes, I lost my hair, but that does not phase me so much.  For me it is mostly about how I feel, and if I can do the day to day with my family.

The main thing for me, is being a mom of young children and being susceptible to illness like a common head cold and not having the faculties to defend it within my body.  My daughter has a fever hovering around 100 degrees and a head cold, and I have taken to wearing a mask in our home.  I am extremely low energy and just trying to do the bare minimum.  I have canceled most weekend plans (save a small birthday celebration for Taylor if we can!!) and feel sad to miss out on life with the healthy and vibrant.   I have been tired since chemotherapy on Monday morning and have been fending off germs since.  I went to Eureka Internal Medicine on Tuesday for my white blood cell booster–Nuelasta.  Without that I am sure I would have succumbed.

As far as the mask-the most dramatic new addition to our family life…..Taylor is OK with it as long as I only wear it at home she has clearly stated.  Her and Asher each decorated one  with pens and a sticker while I was on a ride.  Asher thinks it is a game and that I am pretending to be James, a friend and the man who mows lawns in our neighborhood.  He loves it, but wants me to talk in a deep voice and push a basket around that he calls my mower.  When we were reading tonight before bed he kept telling me to talk in James’ deep voice.  It will either shift or he will become frustrated.  We will see!

That is not to say that life has not been great in many ways.  I had a great time with my sister’s family in Marin.  I flew down on stand-by with a friend’s buddy pass.  I played bananagrams with my niece Samantha during the infusion and had a Jin Shin Jyutsu session with Corliss at the Marin Cancer Institute.   I spent the day laying around their house and went for a few nice bicycle rises through my sister’s neighborhood on my nieces bike.

My niece Samantha keeps my spirits high with bananagrams at chemotherapy infusion #3

My family picked me up at the airport on Tuesday morning and we’ve enjoyed time in the front yard and on the couch doing various projects from building with blocks, to making a scrapbook.  We are reading Charlotte’s Web.  Solstice was a beautiful day and we made it to a T ball picnic where Taylor received her first trophy.  Taylor was in a ballet camp this week which was great fun, but she did need to miss the last two days due to her getting sick.  We are hoping to celebrate her sixth birthday this weekend (to be determined Saturday) and made a cake today, but it may be one for the freezer and another time.  It was tough for Taylor to not be able to lick the beater/spoon/bowl…a traditional treat when birthday cake making normally, but with a fever, cold and cold sore…..a no go today.

I enjoyed acupuncture with Jessica Baker at Jade Dragon Medical Spa on Tuesday and Qigong with Zena Bardelas of Misty Mountain Healing Arts Wednesday and Friday.  Soon I hope to write a post on the amazing benefits these treatments bring my mind, body, and spirit during this time.  It is life saving and I look forward to these sessions more than anything right now.

Some very lovely meals have come my family’s way Monday and Friday of this week.  Due to our health status we did not get to see the cheery, beautiful family who brought food tonight, but when I opened the door to retrieve it I burst into tears (what a raw state I am in).  Beautiful garden flowers tied with a ribbon, handmade signs from their family to ours, and a gorgeous meal obviously made with love.  We really did a number on it.  We were ravenous.  Thanks everyone for the offers of help, the help, the forgiveness and understanding, the music CD, the hello in the bookstore, the money you slipped my husband, the well wishes.  You are all paying it forward and I shall too someday!

My rides at home have been mellow.  These past few days I have taken to riding very slowly sans trailer as to conserve energy.  I mostly just zig zag through my own neighborhood, and am bundled up warm with scarves, gloves,  and wool clothes.  If you saw me, last night you would have seen me sipping Magic Mineral Broth  throughout my ride, and the past few nights you may have seen my eyes fill with tears while I ride.  It is not such a bad thing to let the emotions come.  It is a lovely time of night for me to do some thinking and process the day.  It is not easy having cancer and being on chemotherapy.

I maintain that my riding is one of the healthiest activities I engage in right now.  Leaving my house with germs and a sick child feels so good and it is something I may not do daily if I had not made this commitment.  Fresh air and a bit of body movement–I go so slow some days I don’t really call it exercise.  There may come a day when I do not actually have the energy to do my daily ride, and that will be fine, but until then, you will see me out there riding at least that one mile through my neighborhood, albeit slowly, slowly and bundled in warm clothes with hot liquids in hand.

With Taylor about to turn six, we spent much of today reviewing the big fat book we splurged on making on our mac last year for her fifth which contains memories in pictures of her first five years.   I can’t help but to look at the pictures of our family in which we look young, radiant, and healthy.  And the thought that comes to mind is…..was I really thinking I was out of shape/hair looked funny/life was not good enough.  Was I really wanting more?  Geez.  If only life were like that time again!!  I am sure it will be soon enough, and I hope I will be more thankful for every minute.

Rejoice and live it up if you are reading this and have abundant health and a healthy family!

A blue heron on my ride two days ago reminded me of the blue heron I saw at the marsh a few days before my daughter’s birth.  I really wanted to invoke the grace of this beautiful bird during my labor.   Now it served to remind me of the ups and downs of life, the joys, the sorrows, the achievements and struggles.  As I go to sleep tonight I will find the smells and sensations that were present in my home when my babies were born, the immense joy and great fortune I felt on my wedding day.  It will bring me solace.

At grandma and papa’s in 2009

Hiking Na Pali Coast in December 2010

Laying low with the kids

Posted in Pedaling Each Day, Post Cycling Trip/ Chemotherapy and tagged , , ,
14 Jun 2012
7 Comments

Pollyanna Gets Cancer

I think the reason I have not written as of late is the lack of time now that my five year old is out of school for summer (yeah!), coupled with the lack of desire to be in front of the computer screen for a prolonged amount of time,  but it is also just complex to write about my current experience.

There is just so much to say and many directions to take.  I want to mention all of the ideas I have for more fundraising, great books I am reading, discuss food as an important healer and as cancer prevention, chronicle my daily bicycle adventures, among other things, but we will see what direction this post takes during the time I have to devote.

I am in an interesting position of being positive out of necessity and natural tendency, but I certainly do not love what I am going through.   I recently spent some time with a friend who has been reading my blog and thinking “I wonder how she is really feeling?”  We laughed, and I love that she told me this because I had been plotting that the next time I write on my blog I wanted to clarify a bit.  That last posting made it almost seem like I enjoyed the chemotherapy which is far from the truth.  You probably knew that, but I just want to be sure.

For instance, I love the video Garrett put together of my infusion day, and I enjoyed the day because I saw the beauty that was available, enjoying good company, good health, good food, many privileges,etc.  But at the same time I am sad at what I am needing to endure right now, what my children, and entire family are needing to endure.  But again, the Pollyanna in me jumps right in and says, “but think of all the strength and lessons they are receiving!”  It is indeed my natural tendency to find the good.  I have always had a difficult time negatively criticizing a movie, book, or person because I always find the redeeming qualities.   I am fortunate in this, I know.  I can’t imagine being any other way and feel very lucky to be graced with this attitude, especially now that I am faced with a crisis.  It is really paying off.

But I see the photograph of the Adriamycin (a.k.a. Red Devil) going into my arm and makes me a little sick to my stomach.  It is something that I will put behind me as quickly as it approached that is for sure.  Each session is a check off the calendar as far as I am concerned, and this year is going to fly by, my family’s life being pulled from our roots, defined (to a certain extent as much as I battle it) and organized by these 16 infusion sessions.  And then there will be the month and a half of daily radiation.  But one of my lessons I am sure I mentioned early on is taking each day as it comes and not thinking about the future, unless it is simply about the awesome long life I am going to live, or the San Juan Island Marathon I want to run next year.  My dear friend Sharon just ran the half marathon this year in my honor, and sent me the medal which brought me great joy.

The gist is this:  I find the positive and choose to write about the positive and inspiring.  I do not want to dwell on the yucky or sad parts.  Don’t get me wrong, I take my sadness as it comes (usually on day 6 after chemotherapy for some reason), honor it,  and process it in a healthful way.  I am not in denial about my situation or stuffing emotions down (that would be creating a terrain for cancer after all).  It just is what it is, no sense in making it worse by hiding under my bed, freaking out, or complaining daily.  Anyone with children knows how much worse my life would be if I did not remain calm, cool, and collected right now.  My kids would be taking it on (likely for life in some ways), acting out in odd ways now–who knows maybe sleepless nights and bedwetting??  Things could really snowball it seems, and I personally do not even want to see what that would look like.

Speaking of raising kids and teaching them “how to be in the world” by being an example.  I want to make sure you all know about Brene Brown who is a “shame and vulnerability” researcher.  Read her blog or listen to her TED talks for more info.  She is incredibly inspiring and worth “following” if you do that sort of thing.    Anyway, this is from one of her books, Daring Greatly.

Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.

If we want to teach our chilldren to dare greatly in this “never enough” culture, the question isn’t so much “Are you parenting the right way?” as it is: “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?”.  

Well, I am not exactly the adult I want my children to be (we all have our issues), but I am close and this quote resonates with me.  If my children can glean from our cancer experience a positive way to feel about themselves in the form of high self-esteem, not stare or make fun of a person with only one, or no breast or other body part, or hair, face an illness head on with strength, the ability to receive from others, the ability to find beauty and see things in a positive light, learn how to be in a supportive, loving relationship, the list goes on and on….I will have succeeded and taken the best this experience has to offer.

I will close with this thought…..

I love what another blogger chemobabe says which in a nutshell is that no, cancer is not a gift (people have a tendency to say “oh, I hear it is a gift in many ways”) and chemobabe writes an insightful post saying nope, it is not a gift.  Maybe there are gifts to be found that come as a result of the experience, but the cancer itself is not a gift.  To some it is just semantics, but I get what she is saying 100% and think it is important that we see words as powerful and frame things properly.

Cancer is not a gift to me either, and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy (not that I have any enemies).

Posted in Musings, Post Cycling Trip/ Chemotherapy and tagged , , , ,

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