Cancer Patient
I never thought I’d do this on my blog, but here is Pollyana in the dumps….
I feel like a cancer patient. I suppose I am and have been since March, but now I really feel like it and look the part.
Asher and I just before going for a bicycle ride
I have no intention of quitting chemotherapy, but I can see why people decide to and I barely have horrible side effects. The cancer does not make me sick right now, it is the medicine making me sick…..and some people become willing to take the chance with the cancer. Well, not I. I will endure, but it is a big pain (I am grateful at the same time!) I have minimal fatigue, no mouth sores, very little and quite manageable nausea , no skin issues. Yes, I lost my hair, but that does not phase me so much. For me it is mostly about how I feel, and if I can do the day to day with my family.
The main thing for me, is being a mom of young children and being susceptible to illness like a common head cold and not having the faculties to defend it within my body. My daughter has a fever hovering around 100 degrees and a head cold, and I have taken to wearing a mask in our home. I am extremely low energy and just trying to do the bare minimum. I have canceled most weekend plans (save a small birthday celebration for Taylor if we can!!) and feel sad to miss out on life with the healthy and vibrant. I have been tired since chemotherapy on Monday morning and have been fending off germs since. I went to Eureka Internal Medicine on Tuesday for my white blood cell booster–Nuelasta. Without that I am sure I would have succumbed.
As far as the mask-the most dramatic new addition to our family life…..Taylor is OK with it as long as I only wear it at home she has clearly stated. Her and Asher each decorated one with pens and a sticker while I was on a ride. Asher thinks it is a game and that I am pretending to be James, a friend and the man who mows lawns in our neighborhood. He loves it, but wants me to talk in a deep voice and push a basket around that he calls my mower. When we were reading tonight before bed he kept telling me to talk in James’ deep voice. It will either shift or he will become frustrated. We will see!
That is not to say that life has not been great in many ways. I had a great time with my sister’s family in Marin. I flew down on stand-by with a friend’s buddy pass. I played bananagrams with my niece Samantha during the infusion and had a Jin Shin Jyutsu session with Corliss at the Marin Cancer Institute. I spent the day laying around their house and went for a few nice bicycle rises through my sister’s neighborhood on my nieces bike.
My niece Samantha keeps my spirits high with bananagrams at chemotherapy infusion #3
My family picked me up at the airport on Tuesday morning and we’ve enjoyed time in the front yard and on the couch doing various projects from building with blocks, to making a scrapbook. We are reading Charlotte’s Web. Solstice was a beautiful day and we made it to a T ball picnic where Taylor received her first trophy. Taylor was in a ballet camp this week which was great fun, but she did need to miss the last two days due to her getting sick. We are hoping to celebrate her sixth birthday this weekend (to be determined Saturday) and made a cake today, but it may be one for the freezer and another time. It was tough for Taylor to not be able to lick the beater/spoon/bowl…a traditional treat when birthday cake making normally, but with a fever, cold and cold sore…..a no go today.
I enjoyed acupuncture with Jessica Baker at Jade Dragon Medical Spa on Tuesday and Qigong with Zena Bardelas of Misty Mountain Healing Arts Wednesday and Friday. Soon I hope to write a post on the amazing benefits these treatments bring my mind, body, and spirit during this time. It is life saving and I look forward to these sessions more than anything right now.
Some very lovely meals have come my family’s way Monday and Friday of this week. Due to our health status we did not get to see the cheery, beautiful family who brought food tonight, but when I opened the door to retrieve it I burst into tears (what a raw state I am in). Beautiful garden flowers tied with a ribbon, handmade signs from their family to ours, and a gorgeous meal obviously made with love. We really did a number on it. We were ravenous. Thanks everyone for the offers of help, the help, the forgiveness and understanding, the music CD, the hello in the bookstore, the money you slipped my husband, the well wishes. You are all paying it forward and I shall too someday!
My rides at home have been mellow. These past few days I have taken to riding very slowly sans trailer as to conserve energy. I mostly just zig zag through my own neighborhood, and am bundled up warm with scarves, gloves, and wool clothes. If you saw me, last night you would have seen me sipping Magic Mineral Broth throughout my ride, and the past few nights you may have seen my eyes fill with tears while I ride. It is not such a bad thing to let the emotions come. It is a lovely time of night for me to do some thinking and process the day. It is not easy having cancer and being on chemotherapy.
I maintain that my riding is one of the healthiest activities I engage in right now. Leaving my house with germs and a sick child feels so good and it is something I may not do daily if I had not made this commitment. Fresh air and a bit of body movement–I go so slow some days I don’t really call it exercise. There may come a day when I do not actually have the energy to do my daily ride, and that will be fine, but until then, you will see me out there riding at least that one mile through my neighborhood, albeit slowly, slowly and bundled in warm clothes with hot liquids in hand.
With Taylor about to turn six, we spent much of today reviewing the big fat book we splurged on making on our mac last year for her fifth which contains memories in pictures of her first five years. I can’t help but to look at the pictures of our family in which we look young, radiant, and healthy. And the thought that comes to mind is…..was I really thinking I was out of shape/hair looked funny/life was not good enough. Was I really wanting more? Geez. If only life were like that time again!! I am sure it will be soon enough, and I hope I will be more thankful for every minute.
Rejoice and live it up if you are reading this and have abundant health and a healthy family!
A blue heron on my ride two days ago reminded me of the blue heron I saw at the marsh a few days before my daughter’s birth. I really wanted to invoke the grace of this beautiful bird during my labor. Now it served to remind me of the ups and downs of life, the joys, the sorrows, the achievements and struggles. As I go to sleep tonight I will find the smells and sensations that were present in my home when my babies were born, the immense joy and great fortune I felt on my wedding day. It will bring me solace.
At grandma and papa’s in 2009
Hiking Na Pali Coast in December 2010
Laying low with the kids
Thank you, darlin, for sharing how the struggles come at you & how you face them. For putting into context how previous self dissatisfactions are now exposed as fraud. For relaying just how important, if slow & short, the rides are… & for openness to the possibility that some days they could be too much. For giving us a glimpse of the challenges of parenting through it all. We love you.
How open you are with the various stages of this journey! Thank you, amazing daughter-in-law, wife of our son and mother of our grandchildren, for bringing all of us along with you via this blog, letting us in on the roller-coaster of emotions as well as the activities of your daily life. You continue to take our breath away.
We love you. Mary and Sherif
Thank you for the update, Nicole. Jose and I are sending good wishes your way.
Thinking of you and sending you lots of love.
(Didn’t really want the big cheezy smiley face in there…more of a sending smiles, but you get the idea.)
nicole you touch my heart. your family is beautiful and so are you. nothing profound to say just the usual you probably hear everyday, you are ammazing,strong women. these things are true
Thank you for the update and the strength to be so open and honest. Day by day, minute by minute, breath by breath. Sending lots of love – you 4 are so often in my thoughts. Happy Birthday to Taylor
We don’t all have to be pollyanna’s all the time….maybe just some of the time. Thanks for keeping it real. That nuelasta shot really kicks my bahooty and then its a day of nausea but you are right, blessed with not having all the crazy mouth sores and such. I can’t imagine doing this treatment and having to take care of kids….amazing grace!! We have to put our bald heads together someday and meet for yoga or something! Thinking of you.
Darling Nicole, brave and still beautiful , maybe more-so in this tender time …..let things wash over you like the changing tides that they are, an ebb and flow , a letting go and a Returning.
Are there some Mother’s Helper teens in your circle of kindred that can come , at times, and play with the Littles while you listen , watch and participate on a more conservative level? You could call it something special ( these play sessions) during which You get to shift gears to coasting, and an energetic helper shares their ideas and involvement …. You get a break, yet can still enjoy “being with” and the kids get an infusion of fresh energy …. it could be called “importing Talent”, like in show biz !
I bet many of the local families that know you could lend a little play helper…. I’ll call my friend (teen, and experienced Mother’s Helper from Waldorf Summer Camps, and have her mother -who knows you- call you guys)
Sending Love & Light in cocoon form
today… a day of restoration and re-creating things . Xxxoooooo Chloe
Thank you Nicloe for sharing the ride. Your words are always enlightening and inspiring, even what you call your Pollyanna posts. You are an amazingly strong and beautiful woman.
hey there, sweet friend…
it was so good to see you & i am sending you love & strength.
it sounds like your heart is making peace with these changes.
you are doing your level best, and your kids are learning so much about strength & fortitude & love from their amazing mama.
be well & eat ice cream : )
♥catie
having just spent time with you I know that you are radiating beauty despite your feeling you “look the part.” Your inner light is shining through despite this blip on your blessed path. I know you are enjoying the memories of the beautiful life you’ve thus far lived and have trust in what the future holds….and like everyone says, thank you for sharing your journey with us, the ups and the downs. love,melinda
Wow, you are truly an amazing woman! Thanks so much for sharing your journey even on the days you’re feeling down. You have incredible strength. Thinking positive thoughts and continued strength for you.
I think when I lost my hair I began to finally feel like a cancer patient as well. It’s a physical manifestation of what’s really going on, and it can hit hard. Thanks for sharing your emotions so openly with the world. It is a very challenging time, but finding the joy and good memories helps so much to pull you through it and before you know it you will be at the end of treatment getting back into life more and more! You’re doing so well, and I’m amazed you’re still doing those daily rides – wow!! That must be helping, as well as the other alternative treatments you’re doing. Keep on keeping on! Sending you loads of positive vibes!
Thank you, for reminding me to be ever so grateful – you touch my heart and I send all the warm sunshine from here in the Caribbean (today in Grenada).
Oh Nicole you amazing vibrant wise woman. Thank you for sharing your journey, it’s an absolute honor to witness (albeit from afar).
I appreciate the reminder )always) to count blessings and am counting them for the good fortune of knowing you. Sending you love, healing prayers and ease. Xo eb
As a nurse I see so many people needing to let it go…the pain, the hardships, the frustration, the fear of the unknown…when they finally do let it go and be honest it is like a big breath of fresh air. I sat at work today stroking the arm of a woman just encouraging her to let it out. She did and it was better almost immediately. Bravo for the honesty of your blog, it will help you and others heal and help to make your way through this time. You are inspiring, Nicole and hopefully those of us who have the health of our families (as you mentioned), realize it, appreciate it and help support those that could use it. Blessings to you and your beautiful family.
Lovely Nicole. Thank you so much for sharing….You are a beauty……Much to ponder. Love, Cheryl
Just like everyone has said… thank you much for being so open. It means everything to all of us who love you so much to share both the joy and the pain of this with you. It’s another act of your giving spirit. Love you.
Sending love your way Nicole~
You are beautiful Nicole. Thank you for your inspiring words, to treasure my family and my health, for I sometimes take both for granted.
You just never cease to amaze me. I love that you are willing to let us all into your big, beautiful heart and share the hurt as well as the smiles. It looks like the scarf I sent is getting some use — I hope it helps you feel pretty. And we all know that you will come through this, and have even more insight and lessons to pass along to those of us who still worry about 10 extra pounds and bad hair days. Love you! Tiff
You have been in my thoughts and prayers and I support you as, all your friends and family do, in all the parts of this journey that we can support you in. It is your body that feels crummy and your brain and body that has to do all the work and your heart that is stretching and hoping. It’s your children and your husband and your dearest ones with you holding your hand and also trying to integrate. I hope you will feel rested and well soon and know that your body is a battle zone right now and not feeling like a bouncy little girl makes sense in that context. May the wings of the Divine Shelter you and help you feel safe, held and comforted as you navigate this very hard place. Love and more, Nicole (the other one)
Nicole, thinking about you and sending you, Garrett and the kids, lots of love and good energy. Wishing you continuing strength, optimism, good sprit, and a speedy recovery.
Sunil
I stumbled upon your blog this morning. I am mid-cycle after TAC #4…two more to go with the final being one month from today but honestly feeling sorry for myself as #4 hit me harder than the previous three. Reading through your honest and open blog has bolstered my spirits as I approach the finish line! Like you, as much as I hate chemo, I would never consider stopping it and am determined to keep on schedule – I rule it, it doesn’t rule me. I don’t ride, I walk with my yellow Lab – three times a day…even if it is no more than a shuffle to corner and back. Thank you so much for the positive vibes re: exercise. Wish I had your access to more of the holistic approach but I am thankful the excellence of my care here in a small city in the Midwest. Thanks also for the validation of my protein consumption.
Best of luck to you and your lovely family.
Best wishes to you, Suzanne. One step at a time, right? It is yucky, but we will conquer the cancer and move on! Thanks for the hello.